Antoinette Dingledine – A Collection of Poems

Hell Bound

I like the pain

Like to make myself bleed 

My thoughts suffering

Makes me feel alive

I don’t need your medications

It won’t help my brain, 

Help my soul,  

Don’t try to numb me, no 

I tear myself apart 

Then sew me back together 

Have so many scars 

Can’t tell who they came from 

Live off a broken heart 

And then I fall apart again

I’m hell bound

I’m hell bound 

Scared of my own reflection 

Don’t who I’ve become 

Demons all around me 

Don’t know where they came from 

Fall apart 

Break my mind 

Twist it 

And still come out alive

Like the pain 

Like to make myself bleed

Live off a broken heart, broken soul

Hell bound 

Meaning:

“I like the pain

Like to make myself bleed 

My thoughts suffering

Makes me feel alive

I don’t need your medications

It won’t help my brain, 

Help my soul,

Don’t try to numb me, no”

I do sometimes find physical pain a way to deal with internal pain. Sometimes things get so bad that I’ll scratch and cut myself until I bleed. I’ll start thinking that nobody cares or loves me. The physical pain that I am inflicting on myself makes me feel more human and less numb on the inside. You can get medication for certain anxiety and in this verse I’m saying that I don’t need or want that medication. The medication won’t help me, it will only make me feel more numb and that I’m a monster that needs to be controlled.

“I tear myself apart 

Then sew me back together 

Got so many scars 

Can’t tell who they came from 

Live off a broken heart 

And then I fall apart again

I’m hell bound

I’m hell bound”

I mentally tear myself apart, and then try to make myself feel better. I have people who have mentally abused me and I have so many internal “scars” from that. Sometimes I don’t even know who gave me those “scars”. I go on with life, at least I try, but then I’ll get into another bad mood and then “I fall apart again” and the cycle starts over again. Saying that “I’m hell bound” doesn’t really mean that I’ll end up in hell. What I mean by that is I go through my own hell in my day to day life and I’m bound to continue doing that. 

“Scared of my own reflection 

Don’t who I’ve become 

Demons all around me 

Don’t know where they can from”

“Scared of my own reflection” just means that I don’t know who I’ve become. I look back to when I was younger and I was always really happy, no matter what someone said to me, and I’m trying to find out where I went wrong and how I ended up this way. “Demons all around me” just means that there are so many bad thoughts in my head that they are like my demons. “Don’t know where they came from” basically going back to asking myself how I ended up depressed and worsen my anxiety.

“Fall apart 

Break my mind 

Twist it 

And still come out alive”

This is basically summarizing what I’ve said in previous lyrics. I fall apart, “break my mind” basically saying that I’ll have suicidal thoughts, telling myself that I don’t matter in this world and that nobody cares about me, I twist it, my friends and boyfriend will tell me that they love me and care about me and “twist” my thoughts and then I’ll “still come out alive” meaning that I didn’t go through with the suicide attempt. 

 (Inspiration for this song came from ‘Scare Myself’ by Nessa Barrett.)

Real

Can’t stand me no more

Tired of the person in my mirror 

Need to get out, get out

or I’ll explode

And when I fall apart, 

I cry out in the dark,

Come and save me 

When things get so hard, so hard

I need a healing heart, healing heart 

To make me feel real 

My shadows 

Following me 

I try to fight 

To get things right  

When I fall apart 

I need a healing heart 

To make me feel real 

Meaning:

“Can’t stand me no more

Tired of the person in my mirror 

Need to get out, get out, get out 

or I’ll explode”

The poem starts out by saying that I’m tired of the way that I ended up. I’m tired of thinking that I’m not good enough and feeling numb. “Need to get out, get out, get out/ or I’ll explode” basically is saying that I need to get out of this situation one way or another. 

“And when I fall apart, fall apart

I cry out in the dark, in the dark 

Come and save me 

When things get so hard, so hard

I need a healing heart, healing heart 

To make me feel real” 

“When Ii fall apart” or when my thoughts get really bad, I will talk to my friends and boyfriend about it, basically telling them

 that I’m gonna either end my life or do something else. Basically telling them that I need help. “When things get so hard/I need a healing heart” is saying that when things get hard for me I need “a healing heart” or someone to tell me that I am worth it and that they love me to make me feel wanted or “real”. 

“My shadows 

Following me 

I try to fight 

To get things right”

In this case, “shadows” are just the things that make me feel sad or depressed. “I try to fight/to get things right” is when I try to make things better for myself but end up not making that happen.  

Real is also the title track of the EP and the reason that I named the EP ‘Real’ is because I wanted people to know what I go through and what my life is like. I didn’t want to act as if my life is amazing when some parts of it aren’t. I’m not only going to be showing the bad parts though. 

Only One

Flashbacks of us come to me  

It’s crazy how in love we are

I need you more than I want to admit 

When I’m around you I don’t wanna die 

Ur the only one who’s keeping me alive 

The only one who’s on my mind 

The only one

The words I wanna say

Can’t come out right 

I just end up saying I love you, 

But u mean so much more 

Get into pointless fights 

But always come out right 

Cause ur the only one 

Only one for me 

When I’m around you I don’t wanna die 

Ur the only one keeping me alive 

The only one 

“Flashbacks of us come to me

It’s crazy how in love we are

I need you more than I want to admit” 

This first stanza is about how I’m poking back on my relationship with my boyfriend and realizing how much in love I am with him and that I need him more then I want to admit. 

“When I’m around you I don’t want to die

Ur the only one who’s keeping me alive

The only one who’s on my mind

The only one”

There have been points where my boyfriend has helped me when I’m having an anxiety attack or feeling hopeless, and when I’m around him I feel like I can be myself and that life is worth living. 

The words I want to say

Don’t come out right

I just end up saying I love you

But u mean so much more” 

One of the reasons why I wrote this was to show my boyfriend how much he means to me and how much I love him. Most of the time I can’t really find the words to tell him what I’m feeling around him, so I put it in this poem. 

“Get into pointless fights

But always come out right

Cause ur the only one

Only one for me” 

All relationships have struggles and they could go either way;, the relationship could break or they could go on and have learned from it. I have gotten in fights with my boyfriend and so far we have been good. This stanza is mainly about how you get into fights with your boyfriend or significant other, but also about the moment you realize that you’ve met your soulmate. 

Wrong Side of Us

Stop making me feel like I don’t deserve your love 

I care to much and you don’t care enough 

Ur haunting me with all that u have done 

Don’t want to give up 

But I can’t keep going on like this 

You say to bad if I’m hurting because of you 

Then say your sorry 

But are u really?

Baby, what’s wrong with us?

I don’t think we belong

But I can’t just let go 

I think we’re on the wrong side of us 

It’s eating me whole 

Don’t think that u wanted this to happen 

But baby we were bound to be on the wrong side of us 

Thought this love would last forever 

But now I don’t know 

Tell me why 

Things got so heartbreaking 

Just tell me you love me, and I won’t walk away  

Yesterday you were throwing all the knives 

Now ur fine 

Am I going out of my mind? 

Or am I perfectly fine?  

I don’t think that we belong

But I can’t just let go 

It’s eating me whole 

Bound to be on the wrong side of us 

“Stop making me feel like I don’t deserve your love 

I care to much and you don’t care enough 

Ur haunting me with all that u have done 

Don’t want to give up 

But I can’t keep going on like this”

This is about how I got into a fight with my boyfriend and I felt like he didn’t care about me or our relationship. I was torn between the fact that we had only been dating for two months at the time I originally wrote this, but also the fact that part of me wanted tpthe break up with him because I was afraid that we would get into more fights and that it would be bad for my mental health. 

“I don’t think we belong

But I can’t just let go 

I think we’re on the wrong side of us 

It’s eating me whole 

Don’t think that u wanted this to happen 

But baby we were bound to be on the wrong side of us”

This is the point where I didn’t know what I should do. I didn’t want to break up with my boyfriend but I also didn’t know what would happen to us if we stayed together. 

“Thought this love would last forever 

But now I don’t know 

Tell me why 

Things got so heartbreaking 

Just tell me you love me, and I won’t walk away”

This is when the relationship and the fights started to take a toll on my mental health and I didn’t know whether to break up or to continue our relationship. I also wasn’t telling my boyfriend how I was feeling. We both weren’t being completely open about how we felt. We eventually worked out our feelings. 

Dying Inside

Shadows dance around in my head 

My friends don’t understand 

The love of my life ignores it 

They say breathe and try to control it 

I’m tired of waking up numb 

Acting like I’m fine 

When I really just wanna die 

Trying to please everyone  

When I’m dying inside 

Words come out as yells and screams 

Drowning in anxiety 

Sitting wishing it would end 

Knowing it won’t completely 

Up and down and back again

I think I’ve finally lost it 

Up and down and back again

Am I finally dead? 

“Shadows dance around in my head 

My friends don’t understand 

The love of my life ignores it 

They say breathe and try to control it”

This is about my anxiety and how I feel like I’m a freak and how my friends and boyfriend didn’t know how to help me. 

“I’m tired of waking up numb

Acting like I’m fine

When I really just wanna die 

Trying to please everyone

When I’m dying inside” 

I wake up sometimes and don’t feel anything. I’ll try to act like I’m ok, partially because I have a younger brother and I don’t want to worry him. I try to make everyone around me feel happy and not let them know that I really am dying inside. 

“Words come out as yells and screams 

Drowning in anxiety 

Sitting wishing it would end 

Knowing it won’t completely”

Some days I won’t be good at hiding what I’m feeling. So I’ll get into fights with my mom and friends. I’m drowning in my anxiety and wish it would end but I know it won’t because of the type of person I am. 

This collection of poems was originally going to be an EP. The EP will hopefully come out later in 2022. 

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