Lovella Scott

I miss you,

But dead is dead.

And that’s what you are.

That’s all we can ever be.

I’m sorry,

For not being there.

I miss your words,

Kind and hateful. 

I hate you for what you did,

I miss you like a little kid,

Wait for me.

We will be cold together once more. 

I’m sorry I’m not her,

That I don’t smile as bright.

Or that I don’t laugh as loud,

Or cry as silent.

I’m sorry I’m not her,

That I don’t live as well.

Or enjoy this life you’ve given me, 

I’m sorry I’m not as friendly or outgoing.

I’m sorry that I’m not him,

That I was his replacement.

Did he die because of me?

I’m unsure.

I’m sorry that he died and I took his place.

I’m sorry he was replaced by a disappointment. 

I’m sorry I’m not them,

And that I never can be. 

You’ve blindfolded me,

I’m blind in this world of pain.

I’m waiting for the good part to begin,

Waiting for you to let me go.

To let me breathe.

But instead you drown me,

My skin burns.

My soul is marked with sins that have never been mine. 

When it’s good for you,

Then I’m your “Lela”.

When she’s here,

I’m forgotten.

I can’t remember a day we had a conversation without you yelling,

Is it that hard to be around me?

I’m sorry,

I’ll leave.

I hide in my room to not bother you.

But it seems that bothers you as well.

What did I do?

How may I erase it?

I fear I’ll be left behind.

Without another soul or possession.

If you loathe me, why do you stay here?

I crave to understand. 

Why do I have to compete for your admiration?

Why must I be the only one who puts in effort and cares?

I give up. 

I fear that I’ll be attached and abandoned.

I used to wonder where you had gone,

But I knew deep down.

That you would never come back.

For fate had chosen a soul such as yours,

instead of mine.

Life has become so slow,

It’s overwhelming.

I used to think we were growing up too quick,

but your flower never bloomed.

It’s petals never fell to the snow in winter,

or were struck with the summer sun.

“I’ll wait for you,”

That’s all you do.

I don’t come through,

I never do.

Daddy’s little girl never grew up,

never got to see the city lights that absorbed her dreams.

You clutched that rosary so tight,

I’d fear your palms would bleed.

I’m sorry that the bible that laid under your pillow couldn’t save you,

and that I couldn’t either.

I’m sorry that your god abandoned you,

and stole you away from us. 

He says I have no right to be upset,

That it was my fault.

I miss you though,

I am full of regret.

I wish I’d picked up the phone,

That I hadn’t left you alone.

You were my best friend,

And I was supposed to be yours.

I wish I could see you again,

Your smiles and laughter.

Not the cold headstone that reads your name.

I am full of regret.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve it.

Why was I so horrible to get this fate?

I try and try but just as Icarus, 

I am burned by the ruler of my existence.

Why do you despise me?

What does she have that I do not?

I’ve tried everything but it seems I’ve only made it worse.

It’s a cruel fate.

When will I be enough?

You’ve stumped me.

You’ve crushed me so hard,

That I fear I cannot be rebuilt.

I just wanted to hear those words.

Are you not required to care about me?

You love her,

You love all of them.

Except for me.

Goodbye.

Rest well,

Eternally.

When life is too hard for me,

I think of you.

The things you never tried,

The people you will never meet.

But I’m unsure of its worth.

If I’m not here, 

I’m with you.

But if I’m here,

I live for you.

You had so much to do,

And I have nothing ahead of me. 

Why can I never be equal to you?

Nothing is ever enough.

I trail behind while everyone chases after you.

I can be good too.

I can be good too.

I can be good too.

What do you have that I don’t?

Who am I?

I hate it.

I hate you.

I wish I was you

I’m sick of being your shadow.

I’m me. 

I’m me. 

Or am I just the opposite of you…?

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