Jack James – “Space Debris”

           Everything I knew, everything I could see was slowly getting farther and farther away from me. Someone once told me that being in the absence of gravity was an unimaginable feeling that could not be explained or compared to anything on Earth and they were right. There is no up or down and left or right. Every sense of direction is lost and you are just there in nothingness. Floating in space is like no feeling you have ever felt. There is only one problem with me floating in space right now. The only reason I’m out here is because my crews space station was hit by an asteroid.

           As far as I know I’m the only survivor that got away from the crash. The rest of my crew died on impact. I was already out of the station when it happened because I was conducting experiments on bacteria and the effect space has on them. My team was inside analyzing our research when the asteroid hit. When everything happened the line holding me to the station was cut and I lost all communication with everyone and everything that could get me home. The only thing I could see was the wreckage of the station and Earth as it slowly got further and further away. Even if I could get back to the station there would be nothing to salvage. My team were the lucky ones. They all died as soon as the asteroid hit but I’ll have to wait until life support gives out. It’s a funny feeling drifting away from everything you have ever known. Knowing death is imminent but still not sure as to when it will happen. With all communications gone it was just me, the debris from the ship, and the dark endless void that is space. End transmission.

           It’s been about ten minutes since my last transmission. At least I think it has. Time seems to last forever when you are so alone in space. No rescue team could get here in time to save me and even if they could I’d be to far gone for their satellites to track me. I knew the risks of space travel when I became an astronaut but even then there is no training that can prepare you for death, especially one like this. As a kid I had always dreamed of being an astronaut and going to space. I dreamt of what it was like to float among the stars. Little did I know that would be the way I died. I guess dreams do come true, but at what cost? End transmission.

           By the way I forgot to mention this earlier but the reason I don’t know how long I have is because the readings for my life support glitched out so the whole system is unreadable. I don’t even know what the point in explaining all of this is. No one is ever going to hear it. Most people won’t even know it existed. No one on Earth even knows I’m alive right now. They probably thought I died in the crash along with the others. It’s not like me to complain about everything so much but I am not exactly in the greatest state of mind right now. It’s as if I was just told I have cancer and I only have months to live but in my case I only have hours. I didn’t get the chance to accept my imminent death or even say my goodbyes to the ones I love. My wife and daughter are at home right now. I wonder if they have heard about the crash yet. I’m not ready to die yet. I’m not ready to lose everything. I can’t let my daughter grow up without a father but there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. End transmission

           Sorry about my last transmission. I’ve collected myself. Well as much as a man that’s floating into an infinite void can be. Like I said earlier when you are floating out in space there is no other feeling like it. It is like skydiving but the universe is there to catch you. It feels almost as if you are falling but there’s no gravity weighing you down, no friction, nothing. I used to think being in the absence of gravity was the most freeing feeling ever, like there was nothing weighing me down. Of course back when I thought like that I was in control and still attached to the station. Since I have lost control it no longer feels freeing. Instead it feels like I’m not freed at all. I feel trapped. No matter how I wave my arms, kick my legs, or turn my body I will still  never be able to escape this and that is a scary feeling. It’s funny having no restraints but feeling more restrained than ever. End transmission.

           This transmission is for my wife. Hey honey. I am so sorry. I should never have decided to take this position to go to space. I knew the dangers yet I decided to come anyway. I know I always told you that going to space was my biggest dream but I was blinded. The truth is my dream had already come true. Being married to you and having our daughter was a dream come true. I’m sorry I didn’t see that before I decided to go to space. I keep replaying this one memory over and over in my head. That memory is of the day we met. It was at university and we had an astrophysics class together. By luck we sat down next to each other in the lecture hall and something just sparked. Later that week I asked you out and the rest was history. You were my one and only and I love you so, so much. I’m sorry I left. If I could go back to you I would do anything in my power to do it. Goodbye. End transmission.

           It really is lonely here in space. It is true that no one can hear you scream in space. No one can hear or see you do a lot of things in space. I’ve drifted so far away from the station that I can only see a little spec of it still. Everything I know is fading away and this is probably the most scared I have ever felt. In my best estimate it has been about three hours since the crash. Which if I’m correct I believe I have about five hours left. End transmission.

           This will be a transmission for my daughter. I know you are to young to fully understand what is happening right now but I need you to know that daddy loves you. I need you to know that you mean the world to me babygirl. When you were born I knew that my purpose in life was to protect you and to give you the future that you deserved but I’ve failed to do that. I will never be able to see your beautiful face again and I cannot be there for you. I will never know what your future holds or who you will turn out to be but I know it will be great. I love you very much and so does your mother. You became my world when you came into my life but I let other dreams and ideas lead me to other things. I love you till the end of the universe and back. Please just promise you will do one thing for me. Please take care of your mother for me. Both of you need someone to love them so please always be there for your mother. I love you babygirl. End transmission.

           Do you know why space is black? It is actually a paradox. It’s known as Olber’s Paradox. Space being black is a paradox is because if the universe is truly infinitely large and infinitely old then space would actually be bright. The idea of the universe being infinitely old and endless contradicts the idea that space is black which makes the blackness of space paradoxical. One explanation for this paradox is that the Earth is not actually infinitely old. Some believe it’s only 15 billion years old which is why we cannot see stars everywhere in space. We can only see as far as the light that has traveled as far as 15 billion years. This is pretty random but I have always loved learning little facts like this and it is keeping my mind off of other things. Did you know Einstein referred to time as a fourth dimension. He believed that time is completely relative and that it only moves forward. He believed that time could speed up or slow down in relativity to something else. He even believed that gravity could bend and morph time into different speeds. Theories of space and time are truly endless. That’s why it’s always fascinated me so much. I wanted to discover the unknown. End transmission.

           When I die I’ll just keep floating in the same direction until it hits something. Do to the coldness of space I will just freeze and keep going. There is the possibility that my body is preserved because of the cold. Nothing could decompose it. I basically just be rock or some kind of space debris just floating around forever. Maybe eventually I’ll float into a black hole or a star. I know I wouldn’t be alive but that would be crazy. Could you imagine my body getting sucked into a black hole. The laws of physics have no bounds in a black hole. From the outside perspective it would look like my body was being stretched and contorted by the black hole but my body would actually be unharmed. After I was sucked into the middle of the black hole, the singularity, I would fall into the unknown. No one knows where black holes lead, maybe just absolute nothingness. The possibilities are endless. End transmission.

           I know this is not the best way of thinking but I’ve been out here in space for what feels like an eternity and I’m honestly thinking about just cutting off life support. Death is imminent and it’s not like I have a lot to do out here except make these logs. I don’t really have much left to say either. There’s not really a point in prolonging a death that is bound to happen. Death has always been a scary thing to think about. Death is almost like a black hole in that it’s completely unknown. There’s also no return from either of them. I’ve always been a fan of the unknown but death is one of the unknowns I would like to figure out. End transmission.

           First off, I’m still alive. Second I feel like these transmissions are getting a little all over the place. I’m trying to keep them simple and to the point been your as alone as I am right now you tend to just say everything you are thinking because no one will hear it anyway. No one will ever hear any of this most likely. No one will ever hear my voice again. No one will ever see or hear anything I say or do again. I miss what being on Earth felt like. Zero gravity is great but the feeling of being able to walk and run and just the feel of being secured to the ground is such a good feeling. I miss a lot of things from Earth. End transmission.

           “If you don’t love what you do then why do it?” and “Die knowing that you accomplished something” were things my parents would always say to growing up. For the most part I think they were right. I chose to do what I loved and it turned out to be a pretty good decision, well except for the situation I’m in right, but they were right. Being a astronaut makes me happy and I love being one. Life is pretty sweet when you can say you love your work. The only problem with my parents sayings is that I’m not sure I will die knowing I accomplished anything.my life’s work was all on that space station and now it’s all destroyed. Everything I had worked to do is gone. I’m not sure I will die knowing I accomplished something. End transmission.

           I wish I could have Spotify out in here. Music could make this a little more bearable. I’d sing songs to myself but I’d probably just get annoyed with how badly I sing to be honest. There’s a lot of things that I wish I could have out here in space. Netflix would be pretty great to. Maybe I could finally catch up on Breaking Bad before I die. You know that game where you chose three movies to have on desert island? People don’t realize how nice having a movie would actually be when you are stranded. If I had to choose what three movies I would want to have with me right now I would definitely have Forrest Gump, The Big Lebowski, and probably Anchorman because it would make me laugh quite a bit. I wish I could have something to make me laugh right now. End transmission.

           I would do anything to have a conversation with someone right now. I don’t even care who it is. To just see another person would be amazing. I never thought it possible but I am tired of hearing my own voice. I need someone else’s voice in the mix. I cannot listen to myself talk forever. That would be agony. I miss the sounds of others voices. I know I have only been out here for a few hours but going this long without talking to anyone has been rough. It is a lonely place out here floating in space. End transmission.

           There are about 500,000 pieces of debris just floating around in space from old spaceships and other things humans have put into space. I have now become one of those pieces of debris. I’m just another object floating around that people put into space. It’s not the worst thing to be. I never really felt great about just being put into the ground after I die. Being put six feet under just never really felt appealing to me. This way I get to be put thousands of miles away. A viking funeral always sounded appealing too. Getting put out to sea then someone shoots a flaming arrow out your boat. That always just sounded like a cool way to be passed on into the next life. End transmission.

           It really is beautiful out here. I feel like I haven’t talked enough about what I’m seeing as I’m drifting away. To be among the cosmos is a beautiful sight. I’m not far enough away from Earth to see other planets or anything super up close but in the distance I’m seeing more stars than I have ever seen in my life. Space truly is marvelous. I can still see Earth because I’m not moving that fast but I’m still getting farther and farther away. Earth looks so small from up here. It really puts life into perspective seeing how small we actually are in this ever expanding universe. End transmission.

           I think I have about another hour. I’m pretty hungry. I haven’t gotten to eat since I was on the station. Not hungry enough to starve but it is kinda sad that I’m going out on an empty stomach. Even serial killers get a last meal before they get put to death. My last meal was dry freeze-dried strawberries. What a meal to go out on right? It wasn’t even a meal, it was just a snack earlier in the day. I’m also really thirsty. Food sounds pretty good right now. I never thought I’d have to go out on an empty stomach. End transmission.

           What a life to live. I have about thirty minutes left alive and it’s kinda scary but at the same time I think I have finally come to terms with death. Once life support cuts out I wonder what will happen first. Will I die do to lack of oxygen or will I freeze because the heating system in my suit cuts out? Most likely the ladder. Once the heat cuts out space will probably freeze me  immediately. Hopefully it’s not very painful. End transmission.

           Hey, It’s been a while. I just haven’t had a lot to talk about in my final moments. This will most likely be my final transmission. Dying among the stars doesn’t sound all that bad anymore. I can still see Earth. I’m getting colder but that’s only because I’m getting farther and farther away from the sun. The suits were only made to be able to last in certain conditions around Earth. I’m not far enough away for the cold to kill me right now though. The suit can still handle it. Of course death will still happen but for now, for a few more minutes I’m fine. I lived a pretty good life. I had a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. I may not have accomplished everything but I did what I could in the time I had. I had a lot of fun. I did things I had always dreamed of doing. I touched the cosmos and soared above the Earth. I loved what I did. I loved my life. I’m just part of space now. Drifting forever. It’s not so bad. I’ve become part of the universe now. I may be space debris just floating around but I sure as hell am not a meaningless piece. I wish my wife and daughter well. I love everyone back on Earth. Goodbye. End transmission—.

           

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