Jake Galvan – “A Caravan from Canada” (News Satire)

On Thursday , December 13th, a caravan of 7,000 Canadian immigrants gushed into the town of Langley, a sub city of Vancouver, which rested a few miles north from the Washington-Canadian border. Fleeing boring politics and free healthcare, the immigrants are determined to enter the United States, legally or illegally.

It all started somewhere in the Canadian Wilderness a few months ago, word had just arrived that President Trump had been elected to office which excited many Canadians. “Finally something actually interesting coming from the U.S, we’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this for years”, a young migrant woman told us as she and thousands of Canadians were marching south towards the border. When asked why they were going south, The Bellarmine Report was given a variety of answers. Some said they were fleeing south for warm temperatures, reasoning that if birds could migrate freely why couldn’t they. Others had more politically sensitive answers.

“Life in Canada is too boring, all our government does is talk, talk, talk, and work, work, work, but where’s the drama? In the U.S their political leaders are much more open with their problems. Kim Kardashian, Paul Manafort, and Donald Trump, there isn’t a day where you don’t hear about their emotional problems. We are coming because we want the drama and something new in our life.” Laurence LaPointe told us a month ago, when the Bellarmine Report first visited the caravan. LaPointe, like many others, had left her family to migrate to the U.S.

Another migrant was heard giving their motive for fleeing Canada “ I just can’t seem to live with such a gorgeous prime minister. He’s such a level-headed and perfect man, nothing can go wrong in a country with Justin Trudeau.”

The caravan’s mood is very hopeful and peaceful. Many of the migrants responses to The Bellarmine Report were uplifting, yet carefree. But as the Caravan numbers sharply increased and it began to make more publicity, the life of a migrant became much more dangerous. Migrants have been reportedly kidnapped and taken to other fake, no-good, school-run newspapers and forced to tell their side of the story.         Canada has done extensive measures to try to keep the number of fleeing citizens to a minimum but to no prevail. A few weeks ago, the Canadian government had emplaced barriers onto the highways and surrounding roads that stated “No Poutine” and “Detour, next left.”. The migrants though, walked around them.

This stunt enraged President Trump and a day later he tweeted from his bunker in the New Jersey golf club, “In about seven days, Canadian migrants, many who are stone-cold liberals, will arrive at the U.S border. We must never surrender! God be with us!” Unfortunately, Mr. President was wrong about the estimated time arrival for the caravan because a few hours later, they entered Burnaby, a town north of Vancouver.

Burnaby, like most of the cities in Canada, was founded in the middle of nowhere by nomads, who, knowing North America’s luck, were probably descendants of the biblical murderer and nomad, Cain. For most people, it was just a dot on the map, but for the caravan, it quickly became their headquarters. Buses, began shuffling through the city towards the border, although most of them were those exquisite and ostentatious Duck Tour boats, that happened to have its dock by the U.S border.

A day after the arrival at Burnaby though, Felix Swift, a renowned news anchor for Canadian media, broke into a semi-truck carrying printer ink, and sped towards the border. Canadian authorities tried to capture the migrant madman but his driving skills were just too great. While escaping, Swift made a v-log explaining exactly what he was doing. “I play a lot of video games, so I basically know the controls and everything for this truck. I mean I took drivers-ed so that basically substitutes for my license, right?” Swift told his audience as he drove through a children’s playground in order to evade the Canadian Border Patrol. After an hour of being chased throughout Vancouver, Swift smashed through the multiple fences that served as the U.S border and entered the United States. Fortunately, a few yards into the U.S, Swift lost control of his vehicle and plummeted into a nearby pond, where he was later rescued by an American Moose. Nobody was hurt but many were surprised.

Donald Trump later tweeted “Epic Fail. CNN to blame?” A few minutes later he followed up with, “The border is too strong for Friendly, Floundering, Felix. He couldn’t handle a few seconds in America. Our Border Security is that good.” President Trump seemed to forget that “Friendly” Felix had almost run over many border patrol agents, both Canadians and Americans, smashed through multiple fences, and left the border in a vulnerable state. Not to mention that the truck was carrying hundreds of printer ink cartridges that later leaked into the pond and killed many, many, endangered American aquatic specimens.

The U.S-Canadian border has been labeled one of the most dangerous in the world, surpassing the DMZ a few nights ago. While there haven’t been any specific actions that has pushed the border into this state, this labeling angered the North Koreans, who are very proud of their “Most Dangerous Border” title. In a interview with the royal, Kim Jon Un, Un accused President Trump of undermining him.

“The United States will fall to its knees if it continues to try to mimic my kingdom. North Korea will use force if necessary to show its border dominance.” Un boasted “ There can only be one mad man in the world, and Donald Trump is not that man.” 
          The Bellarmine Report has not confirmed what force North Korea is planning on carrying out, but with all the chaos going on, it will probably go unnoticed.

The Bellarmine Report was also given the privilege of visiting Joint Base MacMahon-McChrystal Border Control Center. Or M&M as some called it. The base sits in five miles from the border on top of a hill. According to the Border Patrols, this is because in the case of a breach, the base would be completely safe and the patrols wouldn’t have to combat the migrants unless it was absolutely necessary.

Most troops refused to talk to any visiting journalist but The Bellarmine Report was able to get a few soldiers opinions.

“They’re savages, savages, I say” said a rather rattled border patroller, “ Trying to sophisticate us with their manners, politeness, and good looks. But besides their scary personality, I think the American people have nothing to worry about.” The border patroller then pulled out a notecard covered in writing and began reading from it “The integrity of this country will not be hurt by the incoming principles of the stone-cold criminals that want to enter this beautiful and well-run country.”

As the days go by and the caravan gains more numbers while getting closer to the border, President Trump has deployed more and more border agents to the frontlines. There have been rumors that the United States Government have hired spies and undercover informants to tell them about the caravan’s actions. Reports say that any border agent discovered in Canada was tarred and feathered and then sent back to the U.S. The immigrants say that they aren’t doing this to make the U.S look like a big chicken, but more like an American Eagle, since eagles and chickens have the same color scheme and that tar and feathers were the only thing migrants had excess amounts of for some reason.

The Canadian migrants have used spies and espionage themselves. MacMahon-McChrystal Border Control Center was holding its annual Christmas party, when border agents discovered they had a imposter in their midst. Sergeant Juan Garcia and Private Maxine Rouge were on patrol, when they noticed a rather suspicious vehicle approach the security gate. While the security guard had let the vehicle enter the base and proceed to the party area, Garcia and Rouge were still suspicious. So they abandoned their post and followed the white, windowless van. The van was parked in close vicinity to the party area and two men exited the vehicle and begin unpacking the van’s contents. Then the men began assembling tables, chairs, and cooking items like portable stoves, ovens and ice chests.

It seemed that these men were just party caterers, and for a second the pair of border agents relaxed. Instead of going back to their post though, the duo walked towards the caterers to get some food. When the agents had noticed what was on the menu, later led the caterers to their doom. Canadian Bacon,  French-Canadian poutine, and Beaver Tails, it became quite obvious that Garcia and Rouge had stumbled upon imposters. No one knows what happened to the Canadian spies but it has been rumored that Garcia and Rouge were ordered to kill them, and afterwards the border agents  realized the spies possessed organ donor cards and now they are underground somewhere resting in peace, in a fridge.

Meanwhile, the White House was in panic. President Trump and his cabinet  initiated a press conference to address all concerns about the incoming caravan. During the conference Mr. President shared some frightening statistics that put many Americans on their toes. “I hate to drop a bombshell right now but my team and I have discovered a frightening fact, f-a-c-t, that eighty percent of the migrants are stone-cold criminals, while the other twenty percent just want to rob us from our jobs.” At first the conference room was silent, but it quickly became filled with chaos since Secret Service Agents, hearing the word bomb-shell, tackled President Trump to the floor.

During the issue with President Trump’s word choice and the Secret Service, The Bellarmine Report acquired a accurate statistic saying that eighty percent of statistics were made up. When we mentioned this to President Trump, he answered with “I believe only eighty percent of that statistic, and if I did my math right, that would have one hundred sixty percent of immigrants be criminals and forty percent be job stealers.”      The Bellarmine Report has yet to do the math.

On Wednesday, December 12th, the migrant caravan left their sanctuary and marched towards Langley, a town just a few miles from the border. This was supposed to be one of the final pushes for the caravan. For about a month and a half, the Canadians have been marching south, determined to reach the U.S. Now their destination was just a few miles away.

It was when the caravan seeing Langley coming up, let down their guard and catastrophe struck. Only a few hundred yards from their destination, the caravan was ambushed by Canadian Border Security. Both bullets and tear gas rained down from occupied buildings. The migrants in the front were instantly killed as the caravan began to retreat.

The retreat, though, was pure chaos. Migrants were running in all directions, leaving behind everything and everyone they cherished. Children lost their parents in the confusion. Border agents dispersed the crowd and arrested several, beating them as they dragged them to ominous, jail-like cages.

“ At first it was just a loud pop and suddenly lemon colored gas started to fill the air. My eyes burned, my sinuses stung, and I choked on the acidic taste in my mouth. I could hear screaming and then wailing coming from children. I kept my head down and began running, I couldn’t even tell what direction I was going. I felt dizzy but refused to stop moving. It was probably the scariest moment of my life.” Laurence LaPointe told us what happened to the caravans front line.

Most of the survivors had fled to Vancouver and Burnaby but they were quickly reinforced by more than a thousand incoming migrants. In a few hours, the migrants were back, this time, armed with a motivational speaker.

The speakers name was John Bannon. Surrounded by thousands of migrants, Bannon approached the occupied town of Langley with a megaphone. No one knows if the border agents were really motivated or just scared, but within five minutes, Bannon was able to persuade them to join the caravan’s ranks. During his motivational speech Bannon promised. “If you join, I assure you, you will not have to deal with extremely boring Canadian politics.”

The United States is in panic mode. President Trump has not been seen on Twitter for days and it is rumored that he fled the country. After months of hardship, the Canadian Caravan had finally entered the United States and is currently running a huge victory lap, literally. The destination: Washington D.C. The Bellarmine Report was told the caravan is invading D.C in hopes of instilling democracy into this district.

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